“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
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My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit