sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
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Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
get you a girl who
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.