[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
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sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again