biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
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Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Good Morning.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Thanks to a fan for this one!
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life