I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
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I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.