honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
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Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.