Matt Goss
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You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Who.
Did.
This?
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
S O O N
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
what
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.