me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
You Might Also Like
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Vodka burrito was a success
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.