I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
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When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.