I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
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M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge