No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
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toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
repaired
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?