Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
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I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”