Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
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My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
#polloftheday
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
become ungovernable
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing