Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
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Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?