hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
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It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
moms in horror movies
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”