Those are good neighbors.
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*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”