if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
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My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Cheers Twitter.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one