Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
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Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
I finally found a reason to live again.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch