invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
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cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
I never needed anything more in my life
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.