[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
You Might Also Like
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I’m being attacked 😭
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches