Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
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You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them