The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
You Might Also Like
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Um … Hot Wings please
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms