Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
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My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
lol
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?