Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
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I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand