I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
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Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.