A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
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Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.