kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
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The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket