“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
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MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
getting groceries
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Autocarrot sucks!
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void