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[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.