I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
You Might Also Like
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.