Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
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A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
wtf is a larm clock?
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
no
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer