It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
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Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
All. The. Damn. Time.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?