I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
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HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
good morning
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.