My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
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We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
#Caturday
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*