Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
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When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?