Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
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The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Worst bar ever.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken