“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
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Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
next level snooze
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys