Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
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“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*