Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
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Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.