President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
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My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou