If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
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Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name