He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
You Might Also Like
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.