Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
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it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Oops
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”