“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
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The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”