I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
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Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.