Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
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Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Before & after 😅
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.