If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
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me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me