*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
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It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Merry Christmas
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
christening a ship with an overripe banana
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS