Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
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Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I feel attacked.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
dogs can find happiness so easily
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas