Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
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Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
it’s the silliest best thing
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
God has abandoned us.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
That time Alicia messaged me
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet